It's getting very serious in Syria.  Seriously. In Syria. It's serious. 

Women's Chore

 My 8th grade darling Autumn is smart, beautiful, and full of imagination.  I know she will go far in life and I love her to pieces!

That being said, she has some academic struggles.  She is blessed with a mild form of Autism known as PDD-NOS, which makes her excel in alot of ways, but also brings challenges.  Reading is one of those challenges.  She's been fortunate to receive extra help through the school district for many years.  Last year they had her take "Reading Explorers" or something like that, in the place of an elective....so I fully expected the academic help to continue this year.  So I picked out her electives- art and band, listed her runner up elective selections, checked the remedial reading help box for her third elective and thought that was that.  

The first day of school comes and goes.  My angel comes home from school.  She smiles with that gorgeous shy Autumn smile I love, and then I ask her how her day was in my over the top enthusiastic fashion.  

Shyly, she tells me it was great....except she's in "Women's Chore" and she doesn't know why.  She goes on to tell me she still has Art and Band, but for some reason is in "Chore."

Confused, I grab her schedule and look.  Women's chore?  Home Economics maybe??    

no...  CHOIR!!  She's in women's choir!  And her Reading Explorer help class is mysteriously missing.  

I call the school to inquire why she's in choir and not getting the extra academic help any longer.

The counselor advises me since she passed the standardized tests for reading and writing she no longer qualifies for the class or needs it, so they used my alternative elective selection.  

I told her, "Well that explains why Autumn told me she's in Women's Chore."

"Women's Chore??"

"Yes, chore.  Also known as choir.  But she passed the State's standards on reading, so she should totally focus on something else like learning to sing in Women's Chore class."  I laughed.

I don't think the counselor was amused.  

The Magic of Children

Children are magic. They can do magical things. 

For example, you can be keeping an eye on two children at the same time, and suddenly you're younger baby needs a diaper change, and for that split second you lose sight of your four-year-old.  

Much later, your older daughter informs you that you have a new piece of art in your bedroom.  This piece of art is conveniently located on the front of your Tempur-pedic bed.  

I cannot fathom how or when he had time to make this masterpiece. The only explanation is magic.

 

 

 

 

 

The next item in question, was a can of shaving cream. As you can see it is no longer functional. It has somehow grown itself a pink Afro.  And as a result, my legs remain hairy this week.

  

 

 

 

My Favorite Products - August 2013

 

I recently tried Sweet Leaf Honey and Mint Green tea of the first time... yummers!!  This is tea is my new crack.  The most delicious tea from a bottle I've ever drank!  The most delicious tea period!  I just downed a bottle in one day!  A family sized bottle. Lol 

The second product that gets my vote of supreme awesomeness is Secret's Clinical Strength Stress Response in Serene Citrus Scent.  I'm a sweaty monkey girl and can appreciate a good deodorant like some might savor a fine wine- call me a pit stank connoisseur.  I tried this last night, a repeat clinical strength customer but weary of a citrus scented deodorant.  I like lemon clean toilets and bathtubs, but wasn't sure I wanted my pits to smell like my mop water.  I was pleasantly surprised.  It's a yummy smell and I'm still enjoying sniffing my armpits in the morning.  Yay for delicious smelling arm pits!

I caught James washing his nuts in the bathroom sink 

 

 

 

 
 

What is wrong with this picture?

 

This charming outfit was purchased at a yard sale.   

HINT: No, the dog doesn't have a boner.  That was the first thing I looked for. Lol

Thanks to Robin E. from WTE March 2013 Babies for submitting this photo. 

Don't screw with my DIAPER DISCOUNT!!

So yay!  My wonderful online mommy friends tipped me off to a awesome deal- so I got a GRRRREAT deal on diapers at Amazon friday; 222 diapers for $21 after combining discounts and coupons!

I go check my order status today.  What's this?  A problem processing my order with my credit card?  I've been using it all weekend for back to school shopping and I know there's money in the account.....  Well, maybe I typed it in wrong.  No problem, I'll just re enter it.....

WAIT!  Whats this???  $30!   That is not $21!  It's like they realized the deal they were giving was too good and canceled my order and recalculated it.   That can't be it.  I have many friends who have already received their diapers after paying even less....

And from there I am sucked into the twighlight zone Amazon help chat where logic has no place and my IQ has been reduced for merely participating:

****************************************************************************

You are now connected to Fidel from Amazon.com

Me:The price was $21 and now it wants a payment revision $30?

I can fix the credit card issue, I'm sure somthing was just not typed correctly, but I want the amount I was originally going to pay.

Fidel:Hello, my name is Fidel.

Me:hello

Fidel:I'm really sorry, is this a price on the item you have purchased?   Not off to a good start, are we Fidel?

Me:It's the end price with the promotions/coupons it was $21 when i put in my credit card

Fidel:What is this $21 promotional credit is about, is this related to an order?

May you please elaborate the issue to better assist you.   OH FUCK, it's ESL time...

Me:21 is the total price after all discounts was taken off I put my credit card to pay $21. i saw it wanted revised credit card and the total price went up to $30

I want to pay $21 for the product like I agreed to on friday  

Fidel:May I have the link of the item please?

Me:order# 108-8337208-xxxxxx

Fidel:Thank you.

I see that this is an order for subscribed and save right?

Me:yes

and i had the amazon mom 20%, and a $25 off

originally

Fidel:Oh, I see.   "I see" means "I am totally lost"

Please give me a minute or two to check the order.  i.e. I need to get another ESL co-worker to help translate this for me

Me:ok i'm going to step away and i'll be right back i just need this fixed so i can pay and get my product

Fidel:Thanks for waiting Robin.

I'm sorry for the confusion I have here but just to make sure, the price of the item has increased is that right?   NO Fidel, the price went DOWN and I can't bear to pay TOO LITTLE!!

Me:yes

Fidel:I see.  NO YOU DONT! F&CKING! SEE!!!!

And just to clarify, you have already subscribed for same item before right?

May I have the order number for that.

Me:no i have not

Fidel:Oh, I see.   Really?!

Have they promised that you will get the item on its lower price?  yes Fidel, we had a contract signed in blood 

Me:The price I checked out with on friday was $21  

but now they want different credit card info and increased the price

i want the original $21 price

Fidel:Let me check the details of the item.  more ESL collaboration and a 5 minute hookah break

Me:if you need me to email pictures of the original check out screen i have them

Fidel:I am seeing here that the price of the item hasn't been decreased in $21.  

Me:i know thats the problem

Let me break this down for you because you are not understanding 

the price was $55.99

shipping and handling $0

promotion applied -$11.20

promotion applied -$25.00

total before tax $19.79

GRAND TOTAL: $21.42

this is what i am wanting to pay, just like i tried to pay friday

today they want $30 i dont want to pay $30 i want to pay $21.42

Fidel:I see.  !!!!

Go on.   Go on?  GO ON???  AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa!  @!*&%

Me:thats it. i want to pay $21.42

Fidel:Alright, please bear with me as I further check on this alright?

Me:ok

Fidel:Thanks for waiting Robin.

Here's the details.

First, I'm really sorry, it looks like you thought that the discount for subscribed and save can be combine with the BABYTIME promotional credit but unfortunately it can't be, if you can see we already provided you an exception with this by getting the higher discount of this subscribed and save order.

However, I can see that this issue requires an exception, I really appreciate your time contacting us just to brought this to our mind.

Me:it can be because my friends all have checked out and paid and gotten their diapers for that much

Fidel:Let me look for the best option for you.

Me:ok

Fidel:Thanks for waiting Robin.

Here's what I can do to help.

I already escalated this to my lead and got approved.

Since we no longer have the option to apply the promotional credit on the order what I am going to do is to issue the $10 promotional discount on your account that you can used on your next purchase ships and sold by Amazon.com.

Would that be fine?

*********************************************************************************

So basically the discounts weren't meant to be combined (per Fidel), even though a slew of my mommy friends were able to get it.  Apparently they figured out their mistake and tried to fix the price.   In the end, however, I got what I wanted.  

But next time I may save myself the trouble and just pay full price.

One thing I love about cosleeping is being able to jab my snoring husband and then pretend it was our kid.

insomniac check in....

Joey says "It's Friday Night, lets party! "

Little does he know Mommy is googling sleep training articles.

 

 

 

Twas the weekend before school starts

I am so glad I took care of all my school shopping in advance. You know, it's all about planning ahead.  Since I'm a veteran mom of 3, I always get my ducks in a row so the first day if school is smooth and stress free.

Yeahhh...NO.  Mommy is seriously F*cked.

Having been thwarted by cash flow issues and a healthy dose of good 'ol procrastination- no clothes, shoes, nor school supplies have been bought for anyone. 

Well at least Joey doesn't need anything. I mean his educational supplies at the moment consist of an overpriced dog toy- sophie the giraffe, my boob, diapers to shit in and baby food to sample then promptly spit out onto his bib and then smear all over his face and high chair.  

However, I do have a middle schooler who suddenly, OVERNIGHT, does not have a single pair of jeans that fit as well as a pre-schooler whose shoes must have shrunk as I can barely wedge them on his feet.

And backpacks. Backpacks! Ugh!   Somehow my children's backpacks are only designed to last only one school year or less then they self destruct.  Much like your car, when the warranty runs out, they magically unravel; zippers pull apart or jam, seams bust irreparably.  The standards in the Chinese sweatshops obviously have gone downhill in recent years....  

I digress. 

Well it's sure to be a fun filled weekend of last minute shopping madness.  Was it college ruled notebook paper or wide ruled she needed??  Oh hell, I'll just buy both....  Then going to four stores just to find a folder WITH BRADS,  and 3x5 index cards NOT 4x6 because all the other stores were sold out of the proper size AND WE NEED THEM TO BE EXACTLY 3X5 AND BRADS!!! OH GOD DON'T FORGET THE FOLDERS WITH BRADS!!!  Our schools no longer issue books for our kids to learn from, but if I don't get the right kind of notebook paper or find those damned braded folders (braded folders?  folders with brads?  aaaa!) THAT ALONE will be the downfall of my child's education.

RIGGGGGHT.

And for bonus points: my husband is completely swamped with work and will not be able to assist me in herding the children from store to store while going on this fun filled treasure hunt.  So basically I'll be throwing clothes at my daughter to try on, attempting to somewhat discretely nurse a fussy teething baby in public, while chasing my misbehaving 4 year old through the store.  

All you will see is a cloud of clothes being tossed at a bewildered teenage girl, the blur of a pale boobie partially covered by a angry screaming infant attached to a frazzled wild eyed mother that is chasing after a giggling crazed young boy.  Yayness.

ANDDD.... it's 4AM

It's been a sleepless night of clingy Joey fun.  He's not happy with anything I do for long and doesn't want to go to sleep. I don't know if its a phase he's going through, the 5th leap, teething, or maybe he just hates my guts. 

At the moment he's engaged in an intense dialog with my tit, alternating between gibber gabber and an occasional sip of milk. I think they are BFF's- Joey and my right breast have the longest and funniest conversations. 

"Aaaabaaagaaaaa!  aaaaa!". 

Mostly one sided on Joeys part. What can I say, my boob is a good listener.  I mean, at least he's not crying.  It would be pretty cute. Except its FOUR O CLOCK in the F'N morning!!

....Now he's tired of that, started to fuss and only content sitting up on my knee. 

 

He was sleeping through the night so nicely till 6 months rolled around!

Alright. Off to bed we go.... Again.  

The Ghost Penis

What the hell is this??? A ghost penis??? I had clothes on the stairs but this object I can't account for.  No one else is in the house and nothing is hanging on that wall. 

I think Joey senses this "ghost" because you can see the fear in his eyes LOL.   He's like- don't turn around.. "I see ghost penises, everywhere"

This ghost penis joke is "A-head" of it's time.  Get it...A HEAD   BWAHAHAHAHA!

Breast Feeding MUSIC Video = AWESOME

This is not mine, but its sooo awesome I had to share!  For those who don't know I'm currently breastfeeding my infant son and am pro-breastfeeding without shame in public.

My Motto: FREE THE BOOBIES!!

Crank up the volume and enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZ3QO-7h4YA&sns=em

ATTENTION PREGGOS AND CUPCAKE LOVING MAMAS!! My Recipe- Best Gender Reveal Cupcakes EVER!

No, I'm not pregnant. Thank GOD. But some of my dear friends keep asking for my recipe for these super delicious cupcakes.

I created this recipe for Joey's gender reveal, but they really are good for any occasion. I'm thinking of making orange filled ones for Halloween. 

Anyway, here's the link to my recipe. Now I don't have to send everyone a separate email.  Yay. 

http://www.food.com/recipe/best-gender-reveal-cupcakes-ever-487659

The Asshole Weeks

So there's this iphone app called "The Wonder Weeks" and apparently a book is out too- that tells you all about your baby's mood ups & downs, mental development etc.  There's these developmental phases called 'leaps' and Joey is in the 5th one.  

More or less its a bitchy baby calendar. Very similar to putting your menstrual cycle on the calendar. 

It's nice because you can use it for planning. For example; I can look at it and think "hmm, we shouldn't go on a road trip that weekend cause Joey is scheduled to be a total asshole that week."  Good to know.

It's been on the mark so far.  Don't know if its good guessing or good science 'cause anyone could guess some random weeks and say a baby is going to be cranky, and chances are at some point that prediction will appear correct. 

But hey. It's 1 AM and Joey is Baby PMS-ing on schedule.   So we will call it a win for this baby app.

Though I would have called it 'Baby PMS Tracker' or 'weeks mom doesn't get to shower' or 'make appointment to tie my tubes'- something like that.

 "The Wonder Weeks" kinda implies there's something wonderful about them.  Or maybe it means you will wonder how long you can survive on no sleep.  Oh Well, it's an interesting read anyway. 

 

The long awaited shower

Thank you, my dear daughter.  I am so grateful for each of your thirteen years, because of YOU mommy broke her 3 day unintentional shower strike.  

My butt cheeks were crusting together and my deodorant just wasn't doing the job after day two.  Because of your selfless gift of watching those two stinky brothers of yours, I no longer resemble Sasquatch's wife and now am sporting freshly shaved  legs, armpits, and chin!  (Yes. That's right  my chin.  Like you don't do that)

So Autumn, this post is for you.  Love you girl! 

 
 

2:48am boobie time

Yes it's that time of night again folks. The haunting hour!  And what is tormenting me this time of night, every night?  Not a ghost or goblin, but the adorable and whiney 6 month old Joey!   

Once again I'm finding myself contorting into awkward positions to satisfy Mr. Demanding to make him happy while he's enjoying his late night boobie.  Hold my arm this way, clench one butt cheek then twist my back that way,  bend my neck sideways and hop on one foot... Just to get his sweet, but annoying little eyes to close.  Go to sleep Joey.  Dammit.   

And tomorrow mommy will be making an appointment with the chiropractor 

A 4 year old boy's love

 Jimmy just had his morning pee and he yells "mom!! MOM!! Come see this!!" from the bathroom.  I go in and he points proudly into the toilet. 

"I made you a flower!" He exclaims proudly.  There's a bubbles making a circle for the petals and more bubbles make a line for the stem. 

So sweet. He made me a flower out of piss. Gag.  

I tell him to flush the toilet and he protests "no!  Mommy I don't want to flush your flowerrrr!"

blackberries

Blackberries were enjoyed by all. Especially Joey. Yumm